"When Hope is Not Enough"

"When Hope is Not Enough"
Lauren | March 11, 2010 at 8:19 am | Tags: bon dobbs, book, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, family, mental health, mental illness, when hope is not enough | Categories: borderline personality disorder | URL: http://wp.me/pNiLP-4q

When asked by On The Borderline to write a blog post about my book, I was at first delighted. Then, I was at a loss for words. This situation is not the norm for me considering I have written hundreds of thousands of words about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and about living effectively with someone with the disorder. My book, When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, seeks to provide loved ones of people with BPD with resources and tools to more effectively manage the relationship. My name is Bon Dobbs and I have been living with a wife with the disorder for twenty years. I also have a daughter (one of three daughters) with BPD traits. Five years ago, I was at my wits end. I was ready for divorce and angry and asking myself: "What about me?" or "How is it that someone who supposedly loves me can treat me with such distain and disrespect?" Many people told me to leave my wife, that she was an incurable, a lost cause. However, that is not what I did because I still loved her deeply, and I couldn't stomach the idea of "leaving" my child. Instead, I began to research the disorder carefully and to participate in my daughter's therapy, learning facets of the disorder that I never before considered.

When I read other books for loved ones of people with BPD, including several quite popular and therapist-recommended ones, I found that I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I knew more about the disorder, sure, yet I was left without the "know how" to build an effective relationship with my wife and daughter. When Hope is Not Enough is my attempt to communicate the "know how" of being an effective partner and parent of someone with BPD. I began to realize that, in a sense, my loved ones and I were speaking completely different languages and that, most often, this disconnect between what was being said and what was being heard led to conflict, rage, misunderstanding and "out-of-control" behavior. I just wasn't hearing what my loved ones with BPD were saying.

In late 2005, I began to research the skills necessary to learn the language of my loved ones. I trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy Family Skills Training (DBT-FST) and in Mentalization-Based techniques. Most of all, I practiced these skills over and over again until they became second-nature to me. It took time-- almost 2 full years-- before I became fluent in the language of emotions and of BPD. When I had mastered the skills, I felt it was important to share those with other loved ones struggling with BPD in their families. So, I wrote a book.

I often have people ask me whether it is "right" that I had to change myself, even if there was nothing "wrong" with me. My answer to that question is usually something like: "Well, I don't know whether it is right or wrong, I just know that it worked. I had to do something, and I only had the power to change myself and my own attitudes and approaches." I couldn't control my loved ones, even though I tried (and failed) for many years.

When Hope is Not Enough is part personal story, part how-to teaching tool. It relates how I (not a doctor or mental health professional) was able to understand my loved ones, live with them effectively and build trust, respect, empathy and love. I felt it was necessary to share my success story and to support all of the loved ones of people with BPD who wish to stay in their relationships and want to do so more effectively than they had in the past.

My view of BPD has completely changed in the past five years. I discovered that skill acquisition by the family member, not hope, can make a world of difference in the relationship. When Hope is Not Enough is my attempt to communicate the "know how" of effective relationships between people with BPD and their loved ones.

My book is available on Amazon or as an eBook from my website www.anythingtostopthepain.com.