Sad today

My sister and I are on the outs as usual which is no surprise if people knew my chaotic dystunctional upbringing. My sister and I don't work because she is a narcisst and I can't back down when she hurdles insults my way. Well recently pretty much all of her friends didn't want to deal with her drama they way I have for years and decided to back way off from her. Oh yeah did I mention she has nothing to do with my son her only nephew. Anyway, she just called my best friend who is also her friend and wants to make amends so thats what their off doing making amends with each other. And I am wondering why my blood has more motivation and desire to work on her relationship with a friend than with her only sister and it triggers this idea in my head that "why I am not good enough" and "nobody wants me" and I am sitting here crying and I know my sister doesn't have an ounce of sympathy or love and yet I will always sadly have a piece of me that actually gives a shit and feels pain when she slights me over and over again. This lastest thing with my sister has thrust me into some major depression have very horrific thoughts but I have hope always.